What to say when your child asks "Where's my daddy?"

It often comes out of nowhere. You're brushing their teeth, or buckling them into the car seat, and a small voice asks: "Where's my daddy?"

Your heart drops. What do you say?

I wrote a whole picture book trying to answer that question. But I'm a mum, not a professional, so the ideas below come from child psychologists and child trauma experts. I've just put them in plain words, with the sources at the end.

First, listen to the question

The US National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) points out that the questions that trouble children are often different from the ones adults expect. Listening to what your child asks helps you find out what's really on their mind.

So before you answer, you might gently ask, "What made you think about Daddy?"

The NCTSN also suggests letting your child know it's always OK to ask you questions.

A simple answer to start with

The Australian Psychological Society (APS) suggests being matter-of-fact and giving simple messages about safety. You might try:

"Daddy can't live with us because it wasn't safe."

Then add the most important part:

"This is not because of anything you did. I love you, and I'm keeping you safe."

The NCTSN says that, whatever you say, the key message is that you're there for them, you love them, and you'll look out for them. Sometimes a hug says it best.

When they ask "Why wasn't it safe?"

You can stay honest and still keep it gentle. The APS suggests being clear that the behaviour wasn't okay, and explaining that violence is always someone's choice. You might say:

"Daddy made choices that hurt people, and that's not okay. It's a grown-up problem. It's not your job to fix it."

"It's not your job to fix what is wrong in the family" is one of the NCTSN's helpful messages for kids.

The NCTSN also warns against sharing adult worries with young children, because it can make them more worried or upset.

When they ask "Is Daddy coming back?"

Every family's situation is different. If you don't know, it's okay to say so calmly:

"I don't know yet. What I do know is that I'll keep you safe, and I'll tell you if anything changes."

If there are contact arrangements or court orders, the APS strongly suggests getting legal advice and support from a specialist family violence service. You don't have to work that out alone.

When they say "It's my fault"

The NCTSN notes that many children feel the abuse was their fault. Some say it straight out. Some just hint at it.

Gently and clearly:

"No, sweetheart. This is not because of anything you did."

You may need to say it many times. That's okay.

When they're angry with you

The APS lists blaming one parent or the other as a common reaction when parents separate, and suggests trying not to react negatively when a child blames you. It also says that, for many children, big feelings can be a sign they finally feel safe enough to show them.

You might say:

"You're allowed to feel cross. I'm still here, and I still love you."

When they say they miss Daddy

The NCTSN says it's OK for children to feel mixed up about one or both parents. It suggests letting your child know you won't be angry if they say they love and miss their dad.

"It's okay to miss Daddy. You can tell me whenever you're missing him."

When they keep asking

Your child may ask the same thing again and again. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Each time is another chance to say: it isn't your fault, you are loved, you are safe.

Let a story help

Sometimes it helps to have the words in front of you. That's why I wrote Where's My Daddy? It's a gentle picture book for young children whose mum has left an abusive relationship and who no longer see their dad. It tells them it isn't their fault, that they are loved, and that they are safe. There's a poem for parents at the back, too.

Reading together takes the pressure off. You're not inventing the words on the spot, and your child can ask questions when they're ready. You can find out more about the book here.

And for you

These questions can bring up a lot. The NCTSN suggests thinking about your own feelings before you talk, and having other adults to lean on so your children aren't your only support.

You'll find free, confidential support lines on the support page, and a free printable parent guide.

Frequently asked questions

What should I say when my child asks "Where's my daddy?"

Child psychologists suggest a short, matter-of-fact answer about safety, such as "Daddy can't live with us because it wasn't safe." Then add: "This is not because of anything you did. I love you."

Should I tell my child what their dad did?

Young children don't need frightening details. The APS suggests simple messages about safety, while being clear the behaviour wasn't okay. A counsellor can help you decide what to share as they get older.

What if my child says they miss their dad?

That's normal. The NCTSN says it's OK for children to feel mixed up about one or both parents. Let them know they can tell you, and you won't be angry.

Where this advice comes from

I'm not a psychologist, counsellor or other professional. This post is my plain-words summary of published expert guidance, which draws on professional expertise and survivors' lived experience:

• Australian Psychological Society (2018). Separating parents, family violence: Promoting children's wellbeing when one parent is leaving a violent partner. psychology.org.au
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2014). Children and Domestic Violence fact sheets 3, 4 and 9 (US). nctsn.org

It's general information, not advice for your family. For that, talk to your GP, a counsellor or a family violence service.

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