Reading picture books together to talk about big feelings

Some conversations are hard to start. Especially with a little one, and especially when the feelings are big.

Sitting face to face and asking "How are you feeling about Daddy?" can feel like a lot, for both of you. Snuggling up with a book feels different.

I'm a mum, not a psychologist. In this post I share why I chose a picture book, and what child psychologists and child trauma experts say about spending close, calm time together. The sources are at the end.

What the experts say about time together

The US National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) says that playing and spending time together is one of the best things a parent can do to help a child feel secure and connected after domestic violence. For younger children, reading a book together is one of the activities it suggests.

It doesn't make children forget what happened, the NCTSN says. But it helps you stay connected when life feels unsettled, and your attention helps your child feel important and special.

The Australian Psychological Society (APS) suggests giving children chances to express their feelings, and helping them put words to those feelings. It notes that some children express feelings better through play than through words.

The NCTSN also mentions bedtime reading as one of the daily routines that make the world feel more predictable for young children.

Why I chose a picture book

When my son asked about his dad, I wanted something we could look at together. A picture book gives you words when yours run out. And your child can hear the same reassuring messages again and again, every time you read it.

Before you read

Read it on your own first. Especially with a book about your own family's situation. Some pages might stir up your own feelings. The NCTSN suggests thinking about your own feelings before you talk with your children, because children pick up on them.

Pick a calm time. Bedtime can work well because it's quiet and close. If bedtime is already hard in your house, try a quiet afternoon or a lazy weekend morning instead.

While you read: follow your child's lead

There's no right way to read a picture book together. Some ideas, drawn from the NCTSN's tips on talking with children:

• Go slowly. Let your child look at the pictures.
• Wonder out loud. "How do you think they feel?"
• Listen, and let them know you're listening. The NCTSN suggests repeating back what your child says, so they know you've heard.
• Let them ask anything. The NCTSN suggests telling your child it's always OK to ask you questions.
• Watch for "I've had enough". The NCTSN says a child who's had enough may get fidgety or silly, tune out, or stop asking questions. It's fine to close the book and come back another day.

After you read: keep the door open

Your child might say nothing at all. That's okay.

The NCTSN suggests opening conversations with messages of support, such as "I care about you and I will listen to you." You might say something like, "If you ever want to talk about the story, or about Daddy, you can tell me any time."

Questions may come later, at bath time or in the car. When they do, the NCTSN's advice is to stay calm. A calm voice tells your child you're in charge and things are okay.

Read it again (and again)

Many young children ask for the same book over and over. Each time is another chance for them to hear: it isn't your fault, you are loved, you are safe.

A book written for this moment

Where's My Daddy? is a gentle picture book for young children whose mum has left an abusive relationship and who no longer see their dad. It answers the question so many children ask, and tells them:

• it isn't their fault
• they are loved
• they are safe

The illustrations are by Jacinta Kay, a Melbourne-based illustrator and graphic designer. Her soft watercolours in sky blues, peach and gentle greens give the story a calm, warm feel. Pages like the "happiness house" give children something hopeful to look at.

There's also a poem for parents at the end, called "My daddy caught an angry bug".

You can find out more about the book, or read more ideas for parents and carers.

Other books can help too

You don't need one perfect book. I've put together a list of picture books about family violence and separation, and your local librarian can suggest more. Libraries can also order Where's My Daddy? using ISBN 978-0-6489440-0-3.

Be gentle with yourself

Reading a book like this can be emotional for you too. If it brings up hard feelings, please reach out. A counsellor or support service can help you as well as your child.

Frequently asked questions

How can reading together help a child with big feelings?

The NCTSN says time together, including reading, helps children feel secure and connected after domestic violence. The APS suggests giving children chances to express feelings and helping them find words for them.

How should I read a book about a hard topic with my child?

Read it alone first, pick a calm time, go slowly, ask gentle questions like "How do you think they feel?", and let your child lead. Stop if they seem restless or have had enough.

What if my child doesn't want to talk after the story?

That's okay. Let them know they can talk to you any time, and read it again when they ask.

Where this advice comes from

I'm not a psychologist, counsellor or other professional. The advice in this post is my plain-words summary of published expert guidance, which draws on professional expertise and survivors' lived experience:

• Australian Psychological Society (2018). Separating parents, family violence: Promoting children's wellbeing when one parent is leaving a violent partner. psychology.org.au
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2014). Children and Domestic Violence fact sheets 3, 4, 5 and 6 (US). nctsn.org

It's general information, not advice for your family. For that, talk to your GP, a counsellor or a family violence service.

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