How young children make sense of separation after family violence

When a family leaves violence behind, life changes fast. There might be a new home, a new routine, new faces. And for a young child, one big person is suddenly missing.

You might be wondering: how much does my child understand? Are they okay? What should I watch for?

I'm a mum who has been through this, not a psychologist. So this post shares what child psychologists and child trauma experts say, in plain words, with the sources at the end. Every child is different, and this isn't a checklist.

Young children notice more than we think

The US National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) says children often know more than adults think, even very young ones. When they don't understand what's happening, they may make up their own explanation, and it can be scarier than the truth.

The NCTSN also says young children usually don't fully understand events around them, but they do pick up on big emotions and on feeling unsafe. Children who can't put upset feelings into words may show them in their behaviour instead.

Feelings can show up in behaviour

The Australian Psychological Society (APS) says big feelings such as sadness, anger and grief are normal when parents separate, and may be even stronger after family violence. Children might show them by:

• crying
• being more clingy than usual
• having tantrums
• lashing out at other people
• blaming a parent
• having trouble sleeping
• not doing as they're told

The NCTSN adds that some children play in ways that copy what happened at home. It also notes that some children don't show obvious signs of stress at all.

This part is worth holding on to. The APS says that for many children who've lived with family violence, showing these feelings can be a sign they finally feel safe enough to let them out.

Children may blame themselves

The NCTSN notes that many children feel the abuse was their fault, and may believe they're responsible for fixing the family. It suggests encouraging questions, so you can help sort out those misunderstandings.

That's why it helps to keep saying the most important thing: it isn't your fault.

What helps: feeling safe

The APS says children who've lived with family violence often see the world as unsafe. Helping them feel safe again means caring for their physical and emotional safety.

Some everyday things the experts suggest:

• Routines. Both the APS and the NCTSN recommend regular routines, like mealtimes, bedtime and getting ready for daycare or school, so life feels predictable.
• Being close. The NCTSN suggests eye contact, kisses and hugs for young children, and a calm, soothing voice.
• Saying it out loud. The NCTSN suggests telling young children that you and other adults will keep them safe, and letting them know when the scary times are in the past.
• Bedtime comfort. If sleep is hard, the NCTSN suggests a calm bedtime routine, like a story or a warm bath, and holding them or breathing slowly together if they're upset.

What helps: feeling loved

The APS suggests giving the message "I love you and accept you" as often as you can. It also suggests playing together, paying attention when they talk to you, and greeting them warmly after time apart.

Both the APS and the NCTSN suggest helping your child build relationships with other trusted adults, like grandparents, family friends or teachers, who they know they can go to.

What helps: words for feelings

The APS suggests helping children put words to their feelings, and gently checking your hunches. Its example: "I wonder if you are feeling very sad that you can't see Daddy at the moment?"

The APS also notes that children are likely to see you sad or upset sometimes. It suggests reassuring them that you love them, and that your feelings aren't because of them.

For children who find it hard to talk, the APS and NCTSN both mention play, and the NCTSN suggests drawing. Our free feelings page is one way to start.

A story can help

I wrote Where's My Daddy? to give young children a gentle way into this. It's a picture book for children whose mum has left an abusive relationship and who no longer see their dad, and it tells them it isn't their fault, that they are loved, and that they are safe. The soft watercolour illustrations are by Jacinta Kay.

Reading together gives you both something to share, without putting your child on the spot. You can read more about the book here.

Looking after you

The APS says that when you're coping better, your children tend to cope better too, and that your healing matters to them. It suggests finding other adults for emotional support, so your child doesn't feel responsible for you.

The support page lists free, confidential services.

When to get extra help

The NCTSN says children's reactions usually start to ease once things calm down and they feel safe again. It suggests getting professional advice if:

• the changes don't go away, or get worse
• your child seems unusually sad, angry or withdrawn
• you're worried they might hurt themselves or others
• you're overwhelmed by their behaviour
• the violence was extreme

Your GP, a child and family counsellor or a family violence service can help. Kids Helpline also talks with children aged 5 to 25.

Frequently asked questions

How do young children react to separation after family violence?

The APS lists crying, clinginess, tantrums, aggression, blaming a parent, sleep problems and disobedience as common. The NCTSN notes some children show no obvious signs. Every child is different.

How can I help my child feel safe after leaving?

Experts suggest steady routines, closeness and a calm voice, telling your child they're safe, and building a network of trusted adults around them.

When should I get professional help for my child?

The NCTSN suggests getting advice if changes don't ease or get worse, your child seems unusually sad, angry or withdrawn, you're worried about harm, you feel overwhelmed, or the violence was extreme.

Where this advice comes from

I'm not a psychologist, counsellor or other professional. This post is my plain-words summary of published expert guidance, which draws on professional expertise and survivors' lived experience:

• Australian Psychological Society (2018). Separating parents, family violence: Promoting children's wellbeing when one parent is leaving a violent partner. psychology.org.au
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2014). Children and Domestic Violence fact sheets 1, 4, 6, 7, 8 and 9 (US). nctsn.org

It's general information, not medical or professional advice. If you're worried about your child, talk to your GP or a child and family counsellor.

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