Using Where's My Daddy? with families: a guide for refuges, counsellors and schools

If you work with families leaving violence, you'll know the question. A small child, an exhausted mum, and the words: "Where's my daddy?"

I wrote Where's My Daddy? from my own experience of answering that question for my son. I'm a mum, not a practitioner, so this guide doesn't offer clinical advice. It explains what the book is, some practical ways it might fit into your work, and what published guidance says about supporting these conversations. The sources are at the end.

Please use your own professional judgement and your organisation's practice frameworks.

About the book

• What it is: a gentle picture book for young children whose mum has left an abusive relationship and who no longer see their dad.
• Its three messages: it isn't your fault, you are loved, and you are safe. No frightening details.
• Who it's for: children aged about 3 to 8, best read with a parent or carer.
• For parents: a poem at the end, "My daddy caught an angry bug".
• Illustrator: Jacinta Kay, a Melbourne-based illustrator and graphic designer. Soft watercolours in sky blues, peach and gentle greens.
• Formats: square paperback and ebook. Published 2020.
• Paperback ISBN: 978-0-6489440-0-3
• Goodreads: 5 out of 5.

Why parent-led reading

The US National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) says a strong bond with a caring, non-violent parent is among the most important things that help children do well after domestic violence. The Australian Psychological Society (APS) encourages parents to rebuild that bond after separation, through warmth, attention and comforting touch.

That's why I'd suggest offering the book to a mum to read with her child, where it suits the family, so the reassurance comes from her.

The book's messages also line up with the NCTSN's "Helpful Messages for Kids About Domestic Violence", including "It isn't your fault" and "It's not your job to fix what is wrong in the family."

Before suggesting the book

• Safety first. The NCTSN notes that if a family is still living with violence, private conversations may be difficult or unsafe. Safety planning comes first.
• Is it safe to take home? For some families, a book on this topic could be risky if someone else sees it. Talk it through with mum.
• Mum's readiness. The NCTSN suggests parents think about their own feelings, and the messages they want to give, before talking with their children. Some mums may want to read the book alone first.
• Fit. The book is written for a child who no longer sees their dad. Families with ongoing contact may need different messages. The APS guidance covers contact and changeovers.

Practical ideas for refuges and family violence services

• Welcome packs. A copy in a family's welcome pack can be a quiet message: "We thought about your children too."
• Lending shelf. Keep a few copies in your family room or resource shelf.
• Reading together. Children's workers might model reading together with mum.
• For mums. The poem at the end is written for the parent.

For counsellors and family practitioners

Emerging Minds' PERCS-FDV conversation guides support practitioners to talk with parents, with curiosity and without judgement, about five areas of their child's life: the parent–child relationship, emotions and behaviours, routines, communication and meaning-making, and support networks. A question like "Where's my daddy?" sits in that communication and meaning-making space, and the book may be one way into it.

The APS advises parents to be matter-of-fact, give simple messages about safety, stay non-judgemental about the other parent while being clear the behaviour was unacceptable, and explain that violence is always a choice. Those are good points to talk through with a parent before they read the book at home.

The NCTSN suggests getting further help if a child's changes persist or get worse, if they seem unusually sad, angry or withdrawn, if there's concern they may harm themselves or others, if the parent is overwhelmed, or if the violence was extreme.

I've summarised these sources in free printable practitioner notes, alongside a parent guide and a feelings page for children.

For schools and early learning

School wellbeing teams may support a child whose family situation has changed. The book could be:

• part of the wellbeing team's resource shelf, for use with individual families
• offered to a parent who asks for help explaining things at home

Please think carefully about privacy. A book like this is usually best shared one-to-one with a family, not read to a whole class where a child's situation might be identified. Follow your school's child safety procedures if you're worried about a child.

For libraries

Parents sometimes ask quietly for "a book about..." without wanting to say much. Having Where's My Daddy? in the collection means it's there when someone needs it. Any library can order it with ISBN 978-0-6489440-0-3.

Tips to pass on to parents

From the parents and carers page:

• Read it on your own first, so you know how it might feel.
• Choose a calm time, rather than straight after a hard day.
• Pause and ask, "How do you think they feel?" Let your child lead.
• It's fine to stop and come back to it another day.

Families buying their own copy directly from me will see "ZJ BOOKS" on their bank statement, not the book's title. The website also has a Quick exit button.

Ordering copies

• 1 to 9 copies: $24 each, postage included anywhere in Australia. Pay by card online.
• 10 or more copies: $18 each, postage included. I can send an invoice to your organisation.

For a bulk order, email [email protected] with the number of copies, your organisation's name and the delivery address. More details are on the organisations page.

Frequently asked questions

Is there a picture book for children whose mum has left an abusive relationship?

Yes. Where's My Daddy? by Zoe Jones is a gentle picture book for young children who no longer see their dad after their mum has left an abusive relationship. It tells them it isn't their fault, and that they are loved and safe.

Can organisations buy Where's My Daddy? in bulk?

Yes. Orders of 10 or more copies are $18 each, postage included, and organisations can pay by invoice. Email [email protected].

Can libraries order the book?

Yes. Any bookshop or library can order the paperback using ISBN 978-0-6489440-0-3. It's also available from Booktopia.

Where this information comes from

I'm not a qualified practitioner. This guide summarises published guidance, which draws on professional expertise and survivors' lived experience, and adds no clinical advice of my own:

• Australian Psychological Society (2018). Separating parents, family violence: Promoting children's wellbeing when one parent is leaving a violent partner. psychology.org.au
• Emerging Minds. Talking to parents about family and domestic violence (PERCS-FDV conversation guides). emergingminds.com.au
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2014). Children and Domestic Violence fact sheets 1, 3, 4, 7 and 8 (US). nctsn.org

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