How to explain to your child why Dad isn't around

If you're reading this, you've probably already done one of the hardest things a mum can do. You've left, and you're keeping your children safe. Now there's a new question waiting for you. It might come at bedtime, in the car, or in the middle of the supermarket.

"Why isn't Daddy here?"

I know that question. It's why I wrote Where's My Daddy? But I'm a mum, not a psychologist, so in this post I've gathered what child psychologists and child trauma experts suggest, in plain words. You'll find the sources at the end.

Before you talk: check in with yourself

The US National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) suggests taking a moment to think about your own feelings first, and what you want your child to take away. Children pick up on how we feel, often before we say a word.

If you're still living with violence, a private conversation may not be safe. Safety comes first. A service like 1800RESPECT can help you plan.

Keep it simple and about safety

The Australian Psychological Society (APS) says the best approach is to be matter-of-fact, and give children simple messages about safety.

For a young child, that might sound like:

"Daddy can't live with us because it wasn't safe. I'm keeping us safe."

Young children don't need frightening details or adult explanations. The NCTSN suggests using words your child understands, and not talking at an adult's level.

If they ask something you're not ready to answer, the NCTSN suggests a line like: "That's a really important question. I need some time to think about it and then we can talk again." It buys you time without shutting the door.

Tell them it isn't their fault

The NCTSN notes that many children feel the abuse was their fault. They may not say so out loud.

So say it clearly, and more than once:

"This is not because of anything you did."

"It isn't your fault" is one of the NCTSN's helpful messages for kids, alongside "Violence isn't OK" and "It's not your job to fix what is wrong in the family."

Be honest without running Dad down

This is the hard one. You have every right to feel hurt and angry.

The APS suggests staying non-judgemental about the other parent while being clear that the behaviour wasn't okay. It also suggests explaining that violence is always someone's choice. That way your child doesn't have to take sides, and can still talk to you about their dad.

The APS also advises not talking negatively about him, or about how the violence affected you, where your child can hear. It can overwhelm children and make them feel they have to choose.

Let all their feelings be okay

Your child might be sad, cross, confused, or miss their dad. Sometimes all on the same day.

The NCTSN says it's OK for children to feel mixed up about one or both parents. It suggests letting them know you won't be angry if they say they still love their dad, or miss him.

You might say:

"It's okay to miss Daddy. It's okay to feel cross too. You can always tell me."

The APS suggests checking your hunches gently, for example, "I wonder if you're feeling sad that you can't see Daddy?", and letting them know you understand.

They may ask again

Your child may come back to the same question next week, or next year. That's okay. Each time is another chance to say the important things again: it isn't your fault, you are loved, you are safe.

Use a story to start the conversation

Sometimes it's easier to start with a book than face to face.

I wrote Where's My Daddy? for exactly this moment. It's a gentle picture book for young children whose mum has left an abusive relationship and who no longer see their dad. It tells them it isn't their fault, that they are loved, and that they are safe. There's a poem for you at the end, too.

A few tips for reading it together:

• Read it on your own first, so you know how it might feel.
• Choose a calm time rather than straight after a hard day.
• Pause and ask, "How do you think they feel?" Let your child lead.
• It's fine to stop and come back to it another day.

There's more on the parents and carers page, and a free printable parent guide.

Look after yourself too

These conversations can stir up a lot. The APS suggests finding other adults to support you, so your children don't feel responsible for you. It also says your healing matters to your children.

1800RESPECT offers free, confidential counselling, 24 hours a day. You don't have to work this out alone.

Frequently asked questions

What should I tell my young child about why their dad isn't around?

Child psychologists suggest being matter-of-fact and giving simple messages about safety, such as "Daddy can't live with us because it wasn't safe." Young children don't need frightening details.

How do I stop my child blaming themselves?

Tell them clearly, and more than once, that it isn't their fault. The NCTSN notes many children feel the abuse was their fault, even if they don't say so.

Is it okay if my child still misses their dad?

Yes. The NCTSN says it's OK for children to feel mixed up about one or both parents. Let them know they can tell you, and you won't be angry.

Where this advice comes from

I'm not a psychologist, counsellor or other professional. This post is my plain-words summary of published expert guidance, which draws on professional expertise and survivors' lived experience:

• Australian Psychological Society (2018). Separating parents, family violence: Promoting children's wellbeing when one parent is leaving a violent partner. psychology.org.au
• National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2014). Children and Domestic Violence fact sheets 3, 4 and 9 (US). nctsn.org

It's general information, not advice for your family. For that, talk to your GP, a counsellor or a family violence service.

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